Footloose and Roach-free

With the new Footloose movie coming out (Thanks to Carmen for letting me know it was coming so soon), I thought it appropriate to get some good music going as I explain what happened last night.

As you saw from Angela's Facebook posts, we came home last night from the Cheung Doi cell group to discover that our kitchen had new guests.  Actually, Angela discovered one of them as she was about to use the toilet.  The thought of it staring at her while she took care of business was too much for her.  She ran out and had to use the other toilet.  This happened while I was visiting the security gate for our neighborhood to show that we did belong there.

I came back to the house and found her all frazzled.  After she told me what had happened, I expected her pants to be wet.  She assured me that they were not.

At that point, I put on my Karate Kid headband, grabbed some chopsticks, and went to work.  It was actually a paper towel.  I started to chase it, and he ran straight for back up.  Turns out his friend was just as big as him, and that was just a fraction of the size of my crushing hand.  Both of them were disgustingly juicy, but I had enough paper towel to wipe up the guts, too.

I went upstairs to come down from my adrenaline high.  Just as I'm about to relax, I hear another scream.  I ran down to find Angela almost in tears standing on one of our dining room chairs.  I quickly rebuked her for standing where one should sit, and then went back to work.  After a short investigation where the witness said she saw them next to the bananas with a big chunk eaten out of one of the bananas, I went straight to where the bananas were kept.  We mistakenly believed that if the ants weren't able to get there, then nothing else could either.  I approached the wooden bowl containing the bananas.  I saw the culprit.  Just like a velociraptor, he was the decoy.  His friend came around the corner with such speed that Angela--15 meters away and standing on the chair still--let out another scream.  This scared me more than the roaches (they were still actually very small compared to me; I've been eating a lot of rice and noodles).  I told her to leave.  And to get off the chair like that.

After quickly disposing of those two by throwing out the bananas, I thought I should check other spots where a creature of the night might hangout.  Just as I'm moving the sealed container of flour, Angela appears again so that I can hear how uncomfortable she is with the roach that just moved behind the container.  As she ran back to the chair that has now become a stool, I tell her now is the time to leave.  She's a smart one and quickly realizes there are more.  (At this point things get hazy.)

I quickly pick up the paper towel cardboard that is left after wiping the previous guts.  I'm about to take a swing when I realize these roaches are getting smart.  I'm not sure how many but about 30 or 40 are under our pots and pans.  They fooled me with the one risking his life on top of the skillet.  I take a swing, and several scurry to avoid the blow while others take flight at me.  I wasn't expecting this since cockroaches are generally too lazy to take R Kelly's advice.  But alas, being around 100 times longer than humans with more than 4000 subspecies to discuss strategy with and Starship Troopers to help them hone their strategy, these dirty bugs that only desire to shun the light had a plan.

I stepped back, because I didn't want one of these potential vessels of cholera, diptheria, tuberculosis, and evil to fly into my mouth, nose, or eyes.  As I did, I felt my heel catch a soft mound.  As I fell backward I noticed that the "mound" was a pile of about 100 fat roaches.  When I hit the ground, my thinking stopped and everything became instinct.  They may have had a legion.  But I had a vertebrae complete with bones that smash small insects.  Small and maul is what I did.  I think my mind has blocked out much of the gore.  But we are out of paper towels now, and we have a lot less t.p. 

I didn't get them all, but the few that escaped ran with fear in their little black hearts.

This morning I found a few remnants that I quickly destroyed before enjoying a delicious breakfast from a less screamy wife.

For the future, we're hoping roach houses and bay leaves will do the trick.  But whenever Angela needs it, she knows her bug-smashing hero is ready.